Here I am, starting the second week of recovery; hard to believe that just a week ago I was still struggling to get the anesthetic cobwebs out of my brain. Since discovering I needed a new hip I've talked to so many people in the same situation over the last few weeks, joint replacement seems to be as common as a hair appointment. Getting through the recovery period, however, is not.
I've been very fortunate to have had minimal pain as this new hip and I struggle to settle into the same nest. While I feel fortunate to be feeling as well as I do I struggle with my biggest frustration, that of getting around. I've discovered going from point A to point B using a walker pegs my fun meter in very short order. Every time I relocate I need both hands for the walker and a carry out boy for my ice bags, iPad, cell phone, magazines, coffee cups, etc. If joint replacement has come so far why haven't the appliances needed to get you through to recovery kept pace? After giving it a lot of thought, and in order to make my own downtime more productive, I am hard at work designing a new walker specifically for us baby-boomers. It's hard to project an accurate time frame, but it should be on the market just about the time President Trump is sworn in. I'm not quite finished, but I think the infomercial should go something like this:
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Introducing the amazing new walker, designed specifically for the baby boomer generation!! You enjoyed the sleek, black lines of Kip on Knight Rider...now meet "Cecil, the Night-Strider".
Background music: Ricky Nelson, Traveling Man
Fade in: The video shows the front view of a shiny black walker, a red light travels back and forth, back and forth, between the handles. An attractive, athletic 70-ish David Hasselhoff is in the foreground, sitting in a recliner with his leg in a cast . He looks up from his news paper and speaks to the walker:
"Cecil, it's that time again. Come here and help me to the bathroom".
As if by magic the walker moves toward the recliner, then turns around and backs itself into position. As the smiling Hasselhoff grabs the walker, it growers taller, lifting him from his sitting position.
"Thanks, Cecil..."
The walker replies (in George Burns voice), "The next surgery is going to be that prostate of yours. You're wearing me out! Here, give me that coffee mug. You wanna ruin the carpet?" A mechanical arm from Cecil's side takes the coffee mug and news paper so David can use both hands to support himself on the walker. A second mechanical arm from Cecil's other side smooths Hasselhoff's satin robe as they head off down the hallway to the bathroom.
( Fade out: Cecil and Hasselhoff turn the corner in the hallway)
Night-Strider is a welcome advancement in mechanical assistance! It's cutting edge voice activation system is vastly programmable to adapt to specific needs that restore mobility and independence as you work toward recovery. In addition to making the patient more self sufficient, the verbal sparring feature helps keep his/her mind sharp. Night-Strider is available in two models: Cranky Uncle Cecil and Sharp-Tongued Mabel. Unlike human assistants, Cecil and Mabel each have an off switch.
Additional features that may be added include: timed pill dispenser, insulin injection arm, food dispenser and oxygen transporter. Our sleep apnea patients will want to watch for the January launch of the special edition "Cecil-C-pap". Ask your operator for details.
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Maybe I've had too much frustrating time on my hands, or maybe the pain medication causes the creative neurons to miss-fire...whatever the explanation I think there's a real future for The Night Strider. Unfortunately I don't have a prototype ready to use as I recover from this hip replacement so I guess I'll just have to give some thought to other solutions. Let's see...maybe if I tied the belt from my bathrobe to the handle of my gardening scooter.......hmmmmmm.
Life is Good
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