Spare the Rod

Proverbs 13:24:    He that spareth his rod hateth his son:  but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.

Having been editor of Heart of Ohio and Pairings Magazines for the last five years I’ve gotten to meet some really interesting people.  Even before Heart I’ve always been fortunate enough to have a job that brought into contact with motivated, talented and sometimes off-beat people…but the magazine contacts have added another dimension that I’ve embraced and enjoyed.

A few weeks ago I conducted an interview with a young man whose religion and lifestyle are totally different from my own.  I came away from our conversation with an enhanced respect and a little better understanding about what it means to be Amish.

Like most people I’ve always been curious about the families I see getting in and out of vans at stores in our area, or those guiding clip-clopping buggies along route 13 as Larry and I head to the lake.  I was honored this man consented to speak with me, and amazed to find him so candid and friendly. 

If you read the upcoming September/October issue of Heart of Ohio Magazine you’ll find my interview and story.  What you won’t find in those pages is this story he shared with me as we sat talking about many things.

As conversations with adults often do, ours drifted to family and raising children.   I asked about Amish teens, and he smiled as we talked about the challenges they present in every culture.   In today’s world where “time out” is the socially acceptable form of punishment I asked if he believed in spanking.  I still believe corporal punishment is warranted in some cases….he agreed with me and told me this story:

 “When I was a boy I had done something totally out of character and definitely something that required punishment.  My Mother, never one to react in anger, said we would discuss this later.  I waited all day, and finally she took me aside for our discussion.  We had a stirring stick she used as a paddle, and she had that with her.  I knew what that meant, and I said, ‘Don’t bother telling me this is going to hurt you more than me, cause it isn’t’.  My Mother looked at me and said, ‘you really don’t know what it means to discipline someone you love, do you?’  With that she gave me the small paddle and said, ‘I will let you discipline me.  I want you to hit me with this, and I know how hard I paddle you, so don’t hold back.’  For a moment I thought I’d lucked out! I took the small paddle, and then I looked at my Mother.  ‘Go ahead, son…’  I couldn’t do it.  I could not strike my Mother.  That was when I understood that disciplining your child is painful and hard, but necessary to the growth of the child.  I’ve never forgotten that.”

His eyes misted as he told me the story.  I was touched as he went on to explain his belief that it is never right to discipline a child out of anger, and how carefully a disciplinary decision must be made.  I shared with him how many times I was forced to go back and apologize to my own children because I had reacted out of anger and/or exhaustion. Patience has never been my strong suit, parenting did nothing to improve that trait.  The young man smiled as he said, “Every parent worth their salt has had to do that.”

If I could go back in time and do it all over again (how many times has that sentence gone through your head?) I would do things differently.  I would try harder to remember that parenting isn’t something allotted to the short amount of time left after a full time job, cooking, dishes, laundry and the myriad of other things that absorb the daylight hours.  I would make the most of ‘bath time-story time-bed time-can I have a glass of water time’ every night.  I would know enough to constantly remind myself how quickly these days will be gone, and I would try to be as good a parent as I think my own children are to my grandchildren.  Hind sight being what it is, I’d have more to work with…remember I was raising children without the benefit of the Dr. Phil show.

The one thing I would not change is the occasional fanny warming.  I believe that children need to have consistent boundaries, they need to know what those boundaries are, and they need to know there will be consequences if they cross them.  I am not condoning physical violence, and I don’t support the people who pummel their children in the grocery aisles or knock them around when they get home.  That isn't discipline, that's abuse.  However, I think there is a time and place for corporal punishment.

Think of a youngsters fanny as a physical "reset button" if you will.  A willful four year old who is intent on breaking the television remote with a coffee mug is told to stop.  Looking at her mother defiantly she says, "no!"., and continues to flail the coffee mug.  A time out is surely in order...but on the way to the designated time out area a smack on the rear end pushes the reset button.  The child is no longer thinking about how determined she is to destroy the remote.  Her concentration has been directed to her derriere and the possibility that there may just be another fanny smack where that one came from. The child knows Mom is fully engaged, paying attention, and not willing to put up with any more of her nonsense....reset!  Not exactly a Dr. Benjamin Spock moment, but his son didn't like him anyway.

What the young Amish man’s story said to me was this:  Here is a man who was raised to honor and obey his parents.  He says he never struck in anger, but disciplined in love.  Years later he tells this story and what it taught him about raising his own children in a voice that rings with the highest regard for his parents.

I know my thinking may be considered old fashioned, and it’s certainly not the popular opinion of today…but look around you at the “time out” generation and explain to me how raising a child that fears nothing and no one has advanced our families or our country. 

I believe today’s adage should be “spare the rod and someday you may need a bigger weapon to defend yourself”.

                                                               Life is Good