The Appliance Coroner

Into each life a little rain must fall…..it was a rainy Friday morning and I was trying to get some housework done before the weather cleared up and distracted me from all the chores I needed to do.   Dusting, sweeping, mopping; laundry spinning in the washer and tumbling in the dryer.   Ah…..housework.

I dragged my trusty vacuum cleaner from the closet and proceeded to plug it in.   You know how it is; when you’ve had an appliance for some time you get used to the noise it makes.   Well…this was not a noise this particular vacuum cleaner had ever made.   Being mechanically inclined I performed step one of my bag of tricks to remedy the situation.   I picked the vacuum up and bounced it a couple of times on the floor.   The oddly high pitched “trying to suck up a cocker spaniel” noise continued.

Time for trick number two….and this is a specialty….appliance swearing.   Over the years I’ve learned that bouncing and swearing have kept my vacuum cleaners running at peak performance.   Not so this time. 

Time for the heavy duty work to begin.  Butter knife?  Check!   Coat hanger?  Check!  I flipped that bad boy onto its back and removed every screw that would come out.  Now I had several pieces of vacuum cleaner, but I could tell the belt was still intact and in place.   With the pieces scattered around me I turned it on once again and I could see sparks coming from a place I’ve never seen sparks before.    Hmmmm……..

As I worked on the vacuum it brought back memories of previous appliances and the repairman we always called to fix them.   I will call him Ronnie McNew the Appliance Guru ….the names have been changed to protect the innocent.    That’s not true; the names have been changed so he won’t sue me.

Washer, dryer, fridge….we’ve replaced them all multiple times over the years.  If the washer isn’t sloshing call Ronnie….If the dryer isn’t drying call Ronnie…..that refrigerator acting like a warming unit?  Call Ronnie.

Being slow on the uptake, I continued to call Ronnie over and over again.  He never actually fixed anything, but he was a really nice guy, and he always showed up.   Here is a regular “Ronnie” visit:

“Hello Mrs. Coon.   Wife says your (washer, dryer, dishwasher) is acting up on you”, Ronnie would say.

“Hi, Ronnie.   Yeah…it’s going “whumpa whumpa” and not (sloshing, drying, cleaning).  Can you fix it?”

Scrunching up his face he’d say, “I’ll get my tool box and be right back.”

Ronnie generally stayed less than an hour.  Eventually he’d call me to the (basement, kitchen, laundry room) and say, “Gee Mrs. Coon.   I’ve taken this apart and the gazaxtihagen is worn out, plus the belts are all frayed.  It would cost more to fix it than to buy a new one.  I sure wouldn’t put the money in it.”

About the fourth or fifth time this same exact thing happened the light went on as I wrote the check for the “service call”.   I was paying Ronnie to pronounce my appliances dead! He had never salvaged even one appliance.  He wasn’t a repairman…..he was the appliance coroner!

And so, as I watched the sparks flying from my vacuum cleaner, I smiled.  My bounce and swear technique may not be the best way to fix something.   On the other hand, if that doesn’t work I just assume it’s dead and go buy another appliance. 

Okay…I’m contributing to the landfill and doing nothing for the environment by junking these items and buying new ones, I know.   But I am saving the $55.00 service call by pronouncing my own appliances DOA; and I quiet that guilty little voice by telling myself I'm contributing to the economy!!   

                                                          Life is Good