Real people for Real Americans

I want to announce that I am running for President of the United States.  My platform will be job creation…and my slogan is “Real people for Real Americans”.   Upon my election I will sign into law a piece of sweeping legislation that will immediately create jobs across the country.   This will be called “Diana’s Law”, and every company, every doctor, every government agency will be forced to take out their automated answering systems and hire real people.    No longer will the only telephone  answered by a real person in this country be the pizza joint around the corner!  I know everyone in this country is sick and tired of talking to a machine…especially THIS American.

Here’s where my candidacy began.   Today I have been trying to reach an appliance salesman who helped my husband and me spend our hard earned dollars on some new things for our kitchen.  I was to call him back to make sure our delivery date was solid.  Had I known it was almost impossible thing to do I would have given him my cell number and had him call me. 

                                The names have been changed to protect the stupid.

When you dial the number of this local store you get the canned, but friendly, voice of a young woman who seriously wants to help you.   Or at least she really wanted to help you when she recorded this stuff five years ago.
“Thank you for calling Shane’s Department Store.    Please tell me what department you wish to speak with and I will connect you.”

Me:  “Appliances”

“I’m sorry….I didn’t get that.  Did you say bedding?”

Me:  “Appliances”

“Let me try that again. (tinkling music)   Please tell me what department you wish to speak with”

Me:  (louder) “APPLIANCES”

“I heard ‘appliances’…..is that correct?”

Me:   “Yes”

“Now please tell me if you wish to speak to someone in small appliances (coffee makers, toasters, small kitchen appliances), or large appliances (stoves, refrigerators, washers and dryers).   Say ‘large’ or say ‘small’.”

Me:  “LARGE”

“I heard ‘large’, is that correct?”

ME:  “YES!!!!”

“Great!  (tinkling music)  If you want to speak to someone about a purchase, say ‘purchase’.   If you want to speak to someone about something you have already purchased and are awaiting delivery say ‘delivery’, if you need to order parts and service say ‘parts and service’.   If you want….”

At this point I sneezed….and she stopped talking.   I guess she’s not programmed to say “Gezundheit!”   Since the sneeze seemed to break her spell of caring and connecting, I was forced to call back again….and again….and again.

After what was probably the fourth attempt to navigate this special piece of automated hell, I remembered something that someone sent me on the internet.  It said push zero when you get into one of these electronic tangles and you’ll get a real person.

I pushed zero about two hundred times.  To my absolute shock there was a pause and a real live person came on the line and said, “Thank you for calling Shane’s Department Store, how may I help you?”

Ah-ha!!   Of all the crap I get sent to my email this ONE thing seems to work!  Press zero…get a human! 

“I need to speak to the large appliance department, please,” I said in a very self-satisfied tone.   Hadn’t I just thwarted their automated system, made them give me a human to speak to???   Waaaaaaahhhaaaaahaaaa!!!

“And you are in what State, please?” said the human.

I almost answer “Euphoria!”…….but I controlled myself and said, “Ohio”.

“Thank you, I will now connect you with that department”, said the human.

Click……wherrrrrrrrrr……click….and then the dreaded tinkling music.

No more human….no more sound at all for ten seconds…..and then the line went dead (Noooooooooo!) except for the choked sobbing that was coming from my end.

Notice:   If you are a Shane’s Department Store appliance salesman with a really bad moustache named Ron, and you happen to read this, please call me!   My number is someplace on your paperwork, along with my date of birth, my blood type, my social security number and shoe size.    

                                     The future of my kitchen is in your hands.

                                                        Life is Good….anyway