Recalculating

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The late, great Jack Benny once said, “Mary and I have been together over forty years and I can honestly say we never even once considered divorce.  Murder….maybe.   Divorce….never.”  He delivered that line as part of a comedy routine; those of us who have been married a long time know it was only partly in jest.

The hardest thing to do is to keep a long term relationship fresh, interesting.  If you’re looking for some input on how to do just that here’s something you might try:  Buy a Garmin and go on a long road trip together.

My husband, Larry, and I recently returned from a month in Florida.  Every year he plans our trip down to the last fast-food salt packet.  All I do is pack a bathing suit and get into the car.  The only request I have is that we be on the beach; the ocean makes really great white noise and all my cares seem to melt away in the salt air.  He has never failed to find a beautiful place and plan a wonderful time away for the two of us.

Since he is so good at planning vacations you might wonder what I have to write about.  The challenge isn't in enjoying the vacation; the hang up is in the “getting to” and the “coming back from” part of the trip.   Given today’s technology one would imagine the only stressful part of car travel would be in locating enough road side rest areas……not so. 

In our case it begins before we leave the drive way.  Belted in and packed to the window tops we start out with our handy-dandy little Garmin (which I have dubbed “the talking lady”) snuggled into her bean bag on the dash board.  Her cheery “turn right” as we leave the driveway is the last instruction she will make without a return comment from my husband.   We are now embarking on an 18 hour argument with technology.  

Things are fairly peaceful while we’re still in Ohio, but once out of our borders the gloves come off.  Driving along at something loosely close to the speed limit my husband says, “Pull into the next gas station.  We need a map!”

“Why?  We have the talking lady and she knows where we’re going, doesn’t she?” I queried.  His response was a cold stare as he gestured me into the gas station lot.  He returned to the car to grumble, “Used to give these things away.  Five bucks!  A map is five bucks now!”

I longingly looked at the three hundred dollar piece of equipment sitting on the dashboard poised to take us to our first destination.  It was programmed to use the closest route, and the lady who sounds like Connie Chung was all set to give us detailed directions…but sadly I knew that’s not good enough.  Too late it crossed my mind that my husband might accept directions better if they were delivered in a male voice.  Food for thought for our next trip.

Back on the road my husband proceeded to unfold the biggest road map I’ve ever seen.   It covered the dashboard, fought for position against the windshield, enveloped his head, then pooled in the front seat floor well; a corner of it made a sharp turn at the door and dripped over the head rest to fill the back seat.  It looked like a full sized hot air balloon had deflated in the front seat of our car.   

The map moved and undulated like a living thing while Larry struggled beneath it looking for a shorter route.  The talking lady chirped “In point two miles turn right,” and the map snapped to attention.  “Don’t listen to her….don’t listen to her!  She doesn’t know what she’s talking about,” my husband mumbled from deep under the road map.  Again the Garmin told me to turn, but my husband drowned her out with “no-no-no” so we rocketed straight ahead while the talking lady struggled to get her bearings.    Ten miles later his head popped out from under his map canopy and he said, “Where are we?”

“I thought that’s what you were doing?   I’m just steering the car,” I said.

“I think you missed something,” the map crinkled and crackled, “pull into this service station and let me check something out.”  For the next fifteen minutes my husband and a beefy mechanic (who bore an uncanny resemblance to Larry the Cable Guy) pointed, gestured and shook their heads as I sat watching. 

Finally he returned to the car.  ‘We’ had missed a turn while he and the talking lady were in a full blown argument; I doubled back ten miles and got us on the right road.  Eventually we arrived in Charleston, then on to Florida; after a terrific stay we made it safely home.  I knew the trip home wouldn't be boring because it required a brand new set of directions.   I hate to admit it but the whole trip down and back was taken up with arguing and ugly words…..not between the two of us but between Larry and the talking lady.  I don’t know how he takes the stress.

The next time your marriage seems to be lacking in excitement you might want to take my advice and plan a road trip.  It will very likely give the three of you hours of laughter after it’s all over….you, your spouse and the talking lady.

                Recalculating….Recalculating….Recalculating….Recalculating….Recalculating

                                                                   
                                                                                Life is Good