Did I say something???

Is it just me, or do you have someone in your life that you are fond of, that you wouldn’t hurt for the world, but who exhausts you??  It might be a friend, a relative, a co-worker.   This is my story, but the identity has been changed to protect the innocent….namely me.

I have this person in my life; I will say it’s a female and call her “Jan” because I don’t know anyone by that name.  This is a kind and honest person whom I have known for a long time.  “Jan” only has one fault, and because it is her only fault I forget when I don’t see her for a while that she has it.   Thirty minutes into a visit with her the thought crosses my mind, “AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHH”.

Jan is an “overtalker”, and if that isn’t a word it should be.    My definition of an overtalker is a person who chimes in right in the middle of your sentence because she/he simply cannot wait till you are finished to make an addition or correction to the conversation.  Here’s an example:

ME:  “Jan, how did the trip to Saskatchewan turn out?  The la…” JAN: “It was wonderful!  The weather was gorgeous the whole time and I wore my new red dress.   Remember when we were shopping and I bought that rest dress?”     By now I’ve stopped talking and I sit with a forced smile on my face, the memory of this annoying habit of hers comes roaring back into my brain and I want to go home. 

It’s not just me she does this to; she talks over her husband, her kids, her mother….even waitresses and sales clerks.  If she runs into someone who refuses to give up the battle for conversational superiority, she just continues to talk until they run out of steam.   Her voice becomes louder and louder as she attempts to gain control.   It is an awful habit, and it’s a contest she never loses.

I can see when I visit that Jan’s family has adjusted to this habit and they just phase out.   It is impossible to carry on a conversation with her for any length of time unless you speak in short hand.  You need only give her a couple of words to go on and she’s off and running.  

ME:  “You know, I saw Carolyn and….” JAN: “I think her hair looked so much better the other way.   This really ages her…......etc. etc. etc.”    She can carry on the rest of the conversation completely on her own.  I automatically edit anything I start to say because I know she’ll grab my first three words like a dog with a meaty bone and run off with it.  It is maddening, and I haven’t a clue how to tell her that the ways she communicates is actually anti-communication. 

I know what you’re thinking, most of us do this from time to time; I’ve interrupted people I know.   But this isn’t just the occasional interruption, this is an over powering verbal assault that has kept me from actually communicating with her. She really doesn’t hear anything you might want to discuss in depth, because she is always talking while you’re talking and completely hijacking the conversation.  

You might wonder (I know I have) why I don’t just tell her this makes me crazy.  I think it is one part cowardice, one part caring and two parts habit.   We have known one another for so long I can’t imagine not knowing what is going on in her life and she in mine.   Foolishly I have waited for someone else to tell her, but it would have started a dialogue that she would have “overtalked” any way.

So, to keep my sanity and our friendship, I keep our in person visits to the very occasional and I’ve found a solution.   Because I value her as a person I’ve decided this is the perfect Facebook friend.   I know popular opinion is that personal contact is on the decline because of technology, but I actually think the reverse is true.   “Jan” and I share more of our thoughts and daily lives with each other now than we ever have sitting across the table from one another.     Email and IM’s have become the communication medium for us, and it works great.   Now, for the very first time I can finish my thought, she can add her comments, and we’re both happy!  Instead of burdening the relationship with honesty and likely terminating the friendship, we’ve become cyber friends with a flourishing, albeit long distance, relationship.   Sweet. 

By the way…Just in case you wonder whether she might feel badly about the fact that we don’t get together very often, the answer is no.  I’m pretty sure some habit of my own must have been driving her crazy too, because she seems just as happy with this arrangement as I am.

                                           Technology is great……and Life is Good.